Quote from President APJ Abdul Kalam
“If there is righteousness in the heart, There will be beauty in the character,
If there is beauty in the character, There will be harmony in the home,
If there is harmony in the home, There will be order in the nation,
If There is order in the nation, There will be peace in the world”
Great words by a great leader. We all like order, we long for it, crave for it, need it to feel safe for our own well being.
One cannot find order or order a system unless you understand disorder or chaos. No matter how much I dislike chaos. Chaos is necessary to test the stability and quality of Order. A good system is one that is prepared for as many random conditions that one can possibly think of. Unfortunately no matter how well you are prepared, unless you have faced chaotic situations again and again you cannot order it or perform well under the immense uncertainty.
Humans have been unable to control forces of nature. We dont know when there could be another Earth Quake, Tsunami, Intergalactic attack etc. When there is one we realize how helpless we are to the bigger forces of nature.
Its strange Nature loves symmetry, provides greatest of the sights, has created one of most beautiful creatures, plants, landscapes yet it can or shall I say more often than not level all of that to a speck of dust like it was nothing.
Nature is an uncontrolled force. Human can be controlled but uncontrolled due to the nature of its being.
Today I witnessed a fight. Fight between two adults. It was a fight of ego. Born out of infidelity. Perhaps the fight was one of motivator for me to write about the incident and analyse it. Even though I was not in the fight, I could feel how unfair is a fight. People who are not in the fight can get affected by it. No wonder majority of the victims in War are the innocents civilians who lost their lives and belongings because some leader thought that was the right thing to do.
One can take any War or a Mass causality , the worst victims are not only the ones in the fight but also the ones who had nothing to do with any of it.
I dont want to prolong my hypothesis as it has so many dimensions attached to it. The more I dig the more skeletons will fall out. Rather, let me dig in what can I do to protect my interests in a chaos.
Rule one – avoid it. We humans are not built to fight. A Tiger or any wild animal is 100% attack. It does not have emotions . No Fear, No Remorse, No Empathy. Given a fight or flight situation it will do anything and everything within its grasp to survive. It does not think of implication and future. All it cares about is now and the moment. Animal Doesn’t care about fatigue, which is why all attack attempts are 100% effort. Biggest of all it is willing to die at any moment ( protected by Natures design).
Unfortunately we cannot do that. We are not trained by Nature to hunt or To kill. We are trained by nature to think, to empathize, to look from others perspective so as to avoid a fight.
Rule two – lot of times fight is not a fistful one but a vocal argument which turns ugly due to the clash of mutual interests. When peoples emotions are hurt they don’t think straight. Blood pressure rises, adrenaline is high, One tends to act completely out of instinct without rational thinking.
When somebody arguments your belief/Ideas/work/actions in a combative manner, hurts your ego, shows no contrition for the bad manners, displays lack of concern but only selfish interest. You need to know two things.
Is this person above you like a Boss or a Senior person or is this person below you like a child or a peer.
If the person is above you, then he/she may not budge to your ideas. They are in a position of power. So it is better to let go your ego and comply with their request in a way that characterize you as a victim to gather a bit of sympathy . Comply with their demands with thoughtful and sympathetic way. Knowing that they are in a position of power they might negotiate since you lowered your stands.This is sometimes called principle of contrast in negotiation.
If they are below you then take some time. Buying time is the best thing that you can do. When you are being confronted you must know that you will not make good decisions, so try to get more time. Do not commit on anything.If you cannot buy more time, then think of yourself in their position. This is the hardest thing to do. It is easy to order someone to do something, when they are below you, Unless you ask them to do the right thing, you wont be satisfied with your decision.
Yes, we are all self conscious. When we make a unfair request, we cannot live with that.Sometimes the Youngsters cannot see the big picture. Youngsters find it hard to stop the temptation of smoking or watching too many movies even though, they know for some extent that is not good them. When you are dealing with such a situation use a leverage.
Instead of strong arming them with a command not to smoke like ” I will will cut your pocket money”, tell them smoking will adversely impact your sports performance etc. Putting yourself in others shoes will help you make better decision and more important will earn respect. Because there is a possibility we will deal with these people again and so If we are unfair to them knowingly then it could impact your reputation and future interactions.
If you think your situation does not necessarily fall in the above two category. Then there follow the third rule.
Rule 3 – let it go. Lot of the times the Idea of a fight/chaos is not real ( I am using Chaos and Fight interchangeably). If it is real then follow Rule 1 or Rule 2. Many times the disagreements or clash is just personal. It is in our minds.We have no way to know exactly what the other person is thinking. We can try asking questions, but that does not necessarily mean they will honest about it or they are a fair person. So we tend to unknowingly use our own Mental Model to judge the situation. This Model is imperfect but since it is automatic we often fall prey to its imperfections.
Just let it go.May be there is a reason why this person has such a different view of the things.Unless that view is harmful to view just let it go. ( if it is harmful use Rule 2). You dont have to prove anyone wrong or right.Just let it go. People will appreciate you more if you are positive or neutral towards them than negative.Just let it go. Unless these people are your friends who know that what ever you meant to say was nothing personal, arguments can often damage your image and relations. No matter how silly someone may sound, try to explain in a neutral way if you can’t just let it go.
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